Rachel's been gone 2 months today

When I look back at the past few months, I find myself wondering what the hell happened? When we got back from Houston in November, we were done and Rachel was going to get to be normal again. Now, she's been gone for 2 months. I'm still puzzled and devastated about what happened those last few months. We watched her go from feeling great and running around to not even having enough energy to stay awake. When I think about all that we've been through, the toughest part was January when she started to deteriorate rapidly. Cancer is the crappiest and most unfair way for someone to lose their life!! The memories of watching her slowly lose control of her body and life are the hardest for me to handle. I can accept that the ultimate way to heal someone is for them to pass away and be with God. I miss Rachel terribly and I will always have a whole in my heart for her but watching her suffer at the end was unbearable. I find a lot of peace and comfort in knowing that she is no longer suffering. I usually cry for her at least once daily but I also smile and talk about her more than that.

I've spent the last 2 months trying to decide what to do with her things in a way that will honor her and not turn our home into a shrine. Her clothes are going to be made into quilts. Her favorite things, and there were a lot, I'm going to keep and do special things with them. For Emily, I have a special necklace that is a heart broken in half. It has a phrase on it that says "Lord watch over me and thee while we are apart from one another". The other half was buried with Rachel. I bought myself a charm bracelet and filled it with charms of things that remind me of Rachel. I also got rings with the girls' birthstones. Michael is leaving in June for an entire year. He has been given a deployment to the UAE and he will be stationed outside of Dubai. Emily and I will be moving to New Braunfels to be closer to family. Because of the move, I'm having to go through her things sooner than I'd like. If anyone has any ideas of things that they've done or have seen done with loved ones' belongings I would love some tips!

I realize that I have failed to discuss the Rachel fund on the blog. I would like to say a really really big thank you to everyone who donated. We raised a lot more money than we could've hoped for. We have made big plans for your donations! We are doing some major shopping to donate toys, electronics, and other wants that the child life people on the 8th floor requested. The clinic became like a second home to us and it's been great therapy for us to be able to give so much stuff to them to say thank you. These toys are the best gift that we could give to the floor. Cancer kids live in the hospital and they need lots of stuff to occupy their time so these things will be so appreciated! I will post lots of pics when we make the delivery. We also are able to donate money to our relay team and a pediatric brain cancer research charity. And last but not least, we are donating a portion of the funds to a scholarship fund at UTMB in Galveston where Michael's sister went to physical therapy school. The fund is in Rachel's name and the scholarship will benefit physical therapy students who are going into pediatric therapy. Rachel's therapists meant a lot to her so this is a great way to carry on her memory. I will post more info when I do each of these things.

I really appreciate all of the support that we have been given through this difficult time. I have been struggling with figuring out what to do with my time and my life. Having a sick child was a full time job and I'm so lost without the demands of such a child. I never thought I'd miss it but I do. I'm trying to embrace my new role as just a mom to a healthy full-of-life one year old. Emily is the best baby in the world and she makes being a mother so rewarding and easy. I just love spending time with her and she has been the best therapy for me. We got season tickets to the train today and I plan on getting season tickets to the zoo and Schlitterbahn too. I figure we might as well enjoy spending all of our time together! I guess this is what having a normal kid is like. I honestly feel like I'm experiencing a lot of things for the first time with her. I guess I've carried on long enough... goodnight